This place is abound with Thieves and Kidnappers!

So yesterday I noticed Max was missing. Max is my favorite office helper. All of my office helpers have names. Anyway, he was missing. I promptly searched all the shadowy valleys created by the mountains of work I have abandoned. I called his name frantically! I buzzed my cousin at her desk "Did you kidnap Max?!"
Her reply "No! Who is Max?" I hated to refer to him by his job but for the sake of his safety I took a deep breath . . ."My stapler." Max is more efficient and attractive than all the other staplers in the office building. I would go so far as to say the BEST stapler in the whole joint. Without Max and BRSNRK I could not do this job. Anyway, my lying thievish cousin was denying Max's abduction. I promptly forgot about Max for the rest of the day.
This morning I once again had to relive the HORROR of a missing Max. BRSNRK was inconsolable. I berated my lying thieving Max-napping cousin under my breath and was ready to stomp off and confront her when I discovered my new appreciation for the phrase "if it was a snake it would have bitten you."
Fortunately Max would never bite ME.