flashback

Got a call last night from a "divorce buddy". Long story short I can't let anyone else be in pain without raking up my own. So I spent the night restless and woke upfeeling terrible. Hiding out in bed today and distracting myself with online stalking. Dear past loves and lovers, you live in my head and you bastards are messy!

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

is ugly. I hate it. I am trying very hard to believe that everything happens for a reason. I am trying very hard not to be "that girl". I don't think I am succeeding.

Tonight I bake!!

If you make them they will come. Or at least they won't got to waste. Horrible very bad day today. I wanted to quit. Quit caring, quit my job, quit life. So I spent MONEY! That always cheers me up. I went on a cupcake/baking supply rampage. I charged thru the grocery store my cart ahead of me to mow down the aisle gawkers. OUT OF MY WAY lest you be mowed down was my battle cry. I randomly threw anything that caught my eye into the cart. I was out of there in less than thirty minutes (a personal best).
Tonight I bake and bake and bake watch Bones and bake some more!
I will be happy. I will make a mess. It will be grand.

broken

i can't seem to shake the feeling that i'm not like other people. the feeling of "different" is starting to make me uncomfortable.
there are times when i think it would be so much easier to shake the truth out of people but instead i am supposed to wheedle it out of them using lies and showing my teeth. playing nice and smiling. boo I wish everyone else became insects and had big can of raid.

The Little Prince

I don’t have the heart for reviewing this book. I can’t stomach the idea of unraveling its passages. I love this book. I’ve loved it since the first time I came across it in the fifth grade.
I do not seek to understand WHY I love these words. I imagined that I would. I was interested to hear what other people had to say about it but when the time came to read what others gleaned from these words soo dear to me. I cringed.
I can appreciate that other people will find something different than what I find but I can’t bring myself to pick these words apart to defend my view.
Like crushing a pearl to see what makes it shine.
“the loveliest and saddest landscape in the world” that phrase has haunted me. The image is one that I treasure. I plan on having that image tattooed onto my inner wrist in the future. I’ve been carrying that plan around since I first started getting tattoos. I’ve only put it off because I can’t convince myself that my left wrist is ready to carry and expose daily what I feel is a very personal glimpse into what I hold dear.

Hello Blog

NANOWRIMO 08 EPIC FAIL!
So I’ll know better next year. I have a beautiful idea for a short story so if anyone in power is reading this I DEMAND A CONTEST!
Oh to be the powers that be . . . ~le sigh~
I have been sick for the past week. I’m a miserable sick person. I am whiny and needy and contagious. FUN! Blech. I’ve decided to start a fan club. Yes it is for YOU!
I’m making signs that say things like “WE LOVE YOUR BEARD!” and I’m going to be collecting dues. Hopefully I will be a better Fan Club president than the one who shot Selena.

days

there are days when all i want to do is cry. when i just want to crawl into a hole and die. when i want to climb in bed pull the covers over my head and lie
to myself--it will all be fine . . . everything works out in the end . . . change can be your friend.

***************************************************************************************
note to self

I'm scared.

new stuff

I got a new phone! It is sooo pretty all shiny and red. With nifty little buttons and a fancy trackball. Neat time saving functions that I will never use.

Days Two and Three

Day Two

Not nearly as wonderful as Day One but the law of diminishing utility and all that.
I still feel pretty good. Popping pills is my new thing. For serious! I wonder if the rest of the world feels like this all the time? I could live like this. I could enjoy living like this. Maybe it is the weather and not the magic pills. I have been spending thirty minutes to an hour outside everyday, I think that helps too.


DAY THREE!

So I managed to go for a brisk walk this morning. I only showed up an hour late and ten years out of shape.
Courtesy of TimOi! I started the day with exercise and interesting conversation. Overall a good start to day 3.

The Black Brant was right!

Today is Day One.

And lets hear it for DRUGS! I’m not sure if this overall feeling of ALIVE is from the drugs but it must be.
I feel good. I feel great. I FEEL. My fingers seem faster. Colors seem brighter. Smells seem stronger and more noticeable. My eyes feel bigger. I can feel my eyes. That is definitely new. I never noticed the sensation of blinking before. This has to be the pills or maybe today is just a good day. I woke up and I felt like dancing. So I danced. There was a brisk chill to the wind so I wore a sweater and put a bow in my hair. There is a book waiting at Maranthana and a Library Book Sale this week. Maybe it isn’t the drugs maybe it is just a good day.

I feel

fall in the air. HALLOWEEN is just around the corner.
I'm very excited. I am definitely making a costume for someone or something this year!
Be it dog or stolen child!!!
And the cupcakes they will be beskulled!

interesting sidebar: I was almost trapped in an elevator.
Creepy parking garage, myself and a male stranger walk towards the elevator the doors are closing I rusk forward and catch the door.
"Whoa CAREFUL." says the stranger. We walk into the elevator and proceed to make idle chatter.
I mention that the button we need is alredy lit, he mentions that this morning the elevator was stuck on the first floor. (this elevator has a bad habit of breaking) I mention that this is the first time I have used the parking garage in a few months since my niece told me I was going to get rundown walking up and down the ramp, he mentions that he usually takes the stairs.
We hit the first floor, and the elevator speeds up. I enjoy a strange weightless feeling then a jarring bump. The elevator bounces back up to level with the first floor the door open bing bings but the doors remain closed as the elevator races us back up to the second floor and spits us out. We rush out and take the stairs laughing the whole time.
As we walk by the first floor foyer we see "Out of Order" signs on the first floor elevator doors.

A I

I know this is an older movie and everyone but me had already seen it. The only valid reason I had for delaying the viewing of this movie—Haley Joel Osment, the kid kinda terrifies me.

So I’m having a bad night and I can’t sleep so I hop out of bed and turn on the living room TV. Nothing catches my fancy so I decide to pop in AI.

In less than an hour I was bawling my eyes out. Seriously I can’t remember the last time I cried that hard or that long. My face is still kinda swollen today. Now this was all brought on by a movie.
AI has now officially replaced The Color Purple as THE movie to make me cry. Dumbo being the Disney movie that never fails to make me cry.

all these thoughts

keep running thru my head.
for awhile now I have wanted to start a Dear Abby Normal column and/or a blog that features menus, delivery options for the local area but the laziness. The laziness stops me everytime.
And what about my POTTERY? Pottery was interesting, got the call about another class but don't think I can afford it this month. ~le sigh~ I should have gone into nursing when I had the chance.

Disco Pigs

In theory I should have loved this movie.
In reality I will have to say I didn't dislike this movie.

The creepy/perfect connection between Runt and Pig: I don't know what to say. I didn't get enough fairytale feeling. I felt that the flashbacks should have come BEFORE the super creepy subtitles needed monologue Pig gives about "opening up Runt". Might have helped. Seriously it takes alot of creepy to cancel out the hawtness that is Cillian Murphy but that speech managed to dampen the fires.

Runt: The actress should NEVER have bangs. I couldn't take her seriously when she had bangs. EPIC FAIL.

The guy in the red tank: Tank? I loved him, I knew the moment he entered the screen that he was meant to be my new love. alas it was not to be.

What color is love?: HA! I was right.

Needless to say this was the one movie (of my choosing) dh decides to watch with me. and according to dh this is was the LAST movie of my choosing that he will be watching.

OMG!

So Saved by the Bell is on Noggin. at night. AND I LOVE IT. I have spent far too much of my life watching this series. But all I can wonder is do they have a box set and can I have it delivered in time for my birthday?
seriously Mark-Paul was my dream-boy for soo long.

I stayed up way too late watching this show last night. Today I am in a great mood.
It happened to be the episode that features Kelly in a pizza hat. I never liked Kelly, or Jessie for that matter.

oh youth it only takes a sitcom to bring you back.

growth?

I saw a baby today.
Cooed and ahhhed it.
And I didn't cry. I didn't have to suppress an urge to grab the baby and run for the door.
I didn't have the urge to grab the baby at all.

I was wondering is this growth? Have all my "lost my baby" wounds healed? or has that part of me finally withered and died? Given up the fight to love something that is part me and mine.

I don't know if I'm rooting for growth

Breakfast on Pluto

WATCH IT!

LOVE IT!

CALL ME!

WE WILL TALK ABOUT IT!

Are you my friend? Do you need help?

Daily Extended for July 30, 2008 (Today)
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Virgo
8/23 – 9/22
Overview
One of your friends needs your help -- but they're too shy to ask you for it. So if you notice one of your friends acting oddly or stuck in a blue funk, reach out to them. Let them know that they can rely on you for support. And if they don't immediately take you up on your offer to talk, don't take it personally. Maybe you're just not the right person for the job, maybe they're not ready to talk about it with anyone. What matters most is that you offered to help them.

So if you are reading this and you need help . . .I AM HERE TO HELP YOU. I mean you no harm.
If you are reading this and you do not need help please disregard this post.

Who you gonna call?

I spend alot of time alone. Most times this doesn't really bother me. I get to be as messy, lazy, ungroomed as I want or as OCD, overdressed and overgroomed as I choose to be.

I mean it is perfectly ok for me to prance around my house in my jammies and gold strappy high heels with one perfectly plucked eyebrow and four different shades of red lipstick decorating my mouth. After all nobody home but Maggie-Pie, Murdy, Bruiser and Me. And the four leggers couldn't care less what I decorate myself with but then . . .the doorbell rings!

!BING BONG! buzz Utter silence befalls my home. What was that noise? Perfectly plucked eyebrow arched in surprise. Murdy and Bruiser on point. STRANGER DANGER! OH NOES!!
I frantically think what is more important to regular people, clothes or make-up? THINK WOMAN THINK!!!
!BING BONG! BING BONG! forget it, no time to think just grab a throw and throw it around yourself, kick off the heels and assume an "I just rolled out of bed" expression.
ANSWER the door. I should have drills for this.
What do I say? "Hello" "what the hell do you want" "I have a gun and large dogs"
I open the door.

I spy with my astigmatic eye, is it the neighbor boy? Could be, once he starts spouting gibberish about striped basketballs, I realize it has to be. Insert useless conversation here.

So I find some suitable outside clothes and venture with the boys as guards to the backyard to find the SUPERIMPORTANTENOUGHTOBOTHERABOUTSTRIPEDBASKETBALL and return it the the slow neighbor boy.
Neighbor boy proceeds to antagonize the boys not heeding my curt warning, "They BITE." Instead he tries to pet them, ughhhhhh and as I turn to walk away he asks "Is that house haunted?" (he asks me this every time he talks to me).
My reply "Not to my knowledge."
"cuz, I been seeing this white woman looking at me."
Me: "I have a lot of white friends."
"the ghost woman is fat (insert sweeping arm gesture) with like wavy brown hair (insert hand movements to reflect wavy long hair) I seen her looking at me."
Me: "Sorry."
and I walk off into the house to call dh and tell him that I should call an exterminator, for the fat white ghost that may or may not be a peeping tomasina.

I think more frightening than a ghost (which would be the AWESOME) is that the neighbor boy with no job and three kids must stand around looking into MY windows.

All alone

There are times that I wish I had friends. A for instance-> I want to go see a show in Austin and as I call around to find someone to share my excitement (looks and looks and looks) I find no one .
~sigh~